One of the most sobering thoughts is the realization that you are where you are in life because of all the actions you did and did not take. This one can sting a bit if you’re not where you want to be. I’m not suggesting that unfortunate circumstances didn’t present themselves. Some of us have been through some rough stuff. With that being said, in almost every case, you still get to choose your response.
As humans, we love to give ourselves credit for our wins, and we also love to blame others, our circumstances, or our bad luck for our failures. When we blame everything but our choices and actions, we place ourselves in the role of the victim. In the short term, it can feel better. “It’s not my fault.” “I had great intentions.” “No matter what I do, I just can’t win.” This takes the weight of failure and places it on something else in the short term. I’ve done this plenty in my life. The best part is that many people will back us up in this. They support us by reinforcing our self-pity.
BUT here’s the deal. If you are where you are due to things entirely out of your control, you have no control over improving it. As the victim, you are helpless against your circumstances. However, if I can start to see that my choices, for better and worse, have led me to where I am, as much as that can feel awful, it means I can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!
Taking steps to make the change can be hard. This is why, at times, it can seem like so many people around us don’t want to get better.
When I was in graduate school, I was dealing with a patient who came to see me every week with the same complaint, and they would tell me they didn’t do the things I asked them to do because they were too hard and probably wouldn’t help anyway. I grew frustrated and vented to my lead clinician that this patient didn’t want to get better, and I didn’t want to work with this patient anymore. Instead of backing me on that decision, Dr. P called me out. She told me I was flat-out wrong. Her exact words were, “Stop talking. You are in the wrong here. Do you truly believe Mrs. “X” doesn’t want to be better? I am telling you right now that given the opportunity to waive a magic wand, every person on earth would choose to be better. This problem is that getting better can be harder than staying where they are. Your patient is in a hole right now and doesn’t feel like they have the tools and ability to climb out. The climb is too hard, but she wants out of that hole. Your job is to help her climb. Now figure it out.”
We often hear this phrased as people will change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change. It becomes more uncomfortable to remain where you are than to work to change. The tricky part is that this can be different for everyone. Some people will take action at the slightest sight of a setback, while others are willing to take their circumstances to the grave without ever trying. No matter where you are on this spectrum, you have a say.
So what do you do with all of this? Assuming you’ve opened your mind to the idea that you alone are responsible for your life and how you respond to your circumstances has impact, you can start to change it. I suggest using what I call the willing and unwilling model. Look at what you want to change and ask yourself what you’re willing and unwilling to do to get there.
If you have a body composition goal of losing fat and gaining muscle but are also unwilling to change your diet or begin exercising, that’s okay. However, it is not likely you will get there, but when you aren’t there, you also know it is due to your choices, not someone’s or something else’s. Should you still want the change, you can adjust what you’re willing and unwilling to do about it. You aren’t helpless.
My hope for you at this point is that the initial sting of this thought is passing, and you are now filled with excitement and encouragement because you can absolutely change your life circumstances if you choose to. One step at a time, one day at a time. It might be really damn hard, but you can do it. Slaying this dragon will be worth it in the end, I promise you.
My question to you all is, where in your life have you let yourself be a victim to your circumstances, and what are you willing and unwilling to do about it moving forward???
Hold the standard,
Coach Derek
